Kasumi vs. Taki (Part 1)

Introduction

Heart-broken, neck-broken, what’s the difference?

                It’s February, the month that reminds us guys that love’s a hell of a powerful thing. We know that cupid doesn’t actually carry a bow and arrow. He is, in-fact, armed with some sort of .50cal sniper rifle. Probably a suppressed bull-pup; he’s a sneaky bastard like that.

                But hey, that doesn’t mean we all get a happy ending or that we’re even happy with our current relationship status. If you’re single, you might be lonely or upset about that one special girl who’s just out of reach. If you’re in a relationship, things might seem to be getting too difficult and you might think about taking a break or jumping ship completely.

                “I feel like maybe, um, I could date you for many years and then, um, once I feel pressured I’ll cheat on you with someone who -- I don’t know where she appeared from, she might even be fictional. (awkward laugh) How does that sound?” – Rocco Botte, 2011

Super agile martial arts masters with incredible physiques have graced our fighting games since the first human-like pixilated figures could flicker on the screen. With art design constantly expanding and graphical capabilities taking leaps and bounds, unrealistic beauties of slaughter now populate our games and imaginations. One title after the next steps up the ass-kicking abilities of the femme fatales we’ve come to expect from fighting game franchises like King of Fighters, Street Fighter and Tekken. However, two franchises in particular stick out in most of our minds for utilizing the “bodacious femme fatale” formula. SoulCalibur and Dead or Alive are very well known for pushing the limits of taste and character design and their latest installments are no exception.

Stop and think a second before you rage-comment. The characters from this series couldn’t actually produce practical relationships, right? Well, that’s what we’re about to dive into…
               

First thing first…

What the what?

This will not be a “Top 10” or “Top 25” of who’s hottest in the SoulCalibur/DoA universes. There’s plenty of crude, un-funny blogs loaded with questionable fan art for that. Not to mention the fact that it’s completely subjective to the viewer. Some like blonds, some like brunets. Some like ‘em cute, some like ‘em sexy. Some like ‘em like the Korean Racing Girls, nice and balanced mildly athletic figures with a sweet yet stunning face, big bright eyes, curves only God himself could have crafted and in that skin tight two colored flag-girl skirt and sports-bra type top thing, God damn… Wait, where were we?

How will this be structured?

Are you serious, Max?

First, we’ll quickly explain who will be facing off in the coming round. We’re doing this fighting game style, 1 on 1. Then, a brief explanation of why the girls have been picked to be put up against each other, then we’ll take a look at the technical data. Finally, we’ll have a few guys respond, choosing which of the two they’d rather have a relationship with. Insane? Yes. Entertaining? I’d like to think so... So in the words of StarCraft:

“GO GO GO!” – Terran Marine

Kasumi vs. Taki

Well Endowed Ninja Poster Girls

                The characters who have been there from the beginning are important to a franchise’s image and memorability. Halo has the Master Chief, Uncharted has Nathan Drake, Gears of War has Marcus Fenix, Tomb Raider has Lara Croft, Metal Gear Solid has Snake and Duke Nukem has… well… Duke Nukem; ever-evolving fighting games don’t have the luxury of a single tied-down story line befitting to a main character and their game’s image. Instead, what we have is a cast, and there is only so much room in a gamer’s brain to pair a character with a franchise before making a purchase.

For this reason, both the Dead or Alive and SoulCalibur franchises needed poster girls. Kasumi and Taki filled that role for years, and they did it well. There’s nothing quite like a beautiful women kicking serious ass on screen to both turn heads and leave a dent in gamers’ memories. It’s an important factor unique to the genre and shouldn’t be ignored.

Commonalities

Being upfront about things…

                “THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS. ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT?” – BAD DUDE

Ninjas make both great heroes and great villains. However, if Kasumi and Taki have kidnapped the president, I’m going to assume they had a pretty good reason. Considering they’ve both been exiled from the ninja clans that trained them, it’s not a stretch to say that they’re willing to take risks.

Both Kasumi and Taki are the token “high-speed -- close range” Japanese ninja girls we’ve come to expect from almost any form of Japanese action-fiction. They’d blend in nicely with most animes and certainly most fighting games.

Both of these girls have been there since day one of the first games in the Dead or Alive and SoulCalibur franchise’s arrivals respectively. Their character designs are just what we have come to expect out of Japan, yet, are staples of their titles. Kasumi and Taki’s designs really haven’t changed all that much over the years, but this is a good thing. What ain’t broke, shouldn’t be fixed.

Differences

Why can’t we all just get along?

                Kasumi is very much a “cute” character, reflected in charming demeanor and sweet voice. Taki however, reflects the “sexy” type with a gruffer, cunning voice and killer-instinct attitude. If they were to be cast in a typical war movie, Taki would probably play the sniper while Kasumi would play the medic.

                This attitude difference is also somewhat reflected in their current ninja clan statuses. While Taki left her ninja clan by her own will, Kasumi was exiled because of a misunderstanding and some kind of ninja-code technicality. The main difference being that while Taki flipped off her former ninja comrades, killed a few and is largely feared and respected by them, Kasumi has been marked for death and most of the known ninjas in the DoA universe are trying to kill her.

One more thing…

Get on with it!

                OK, OK! Just hold on one second, there’s one more thing I need to address… As you will notice for a few of the Dead or Alive characters, there is an asterisk (*) next to some of their ages. There is a reason for that. Take Kasumi as an example -- her age was “17” for much of the Dead or Alive series (starting with Dead or Alive), but the story progressed linearly with what appeared to be at least a year taking place in-between each Dead or Alive tournament. Why Team Ninja decided not to age Kasumi for the first 3 games is beyond me.

The DoA story is not like SoulCalibur’s, where the legend is being “eternally retold” with the story taking place over the same short period of time. This seemed to be an oversight on Team Ninja’s part that they didn’t care about until… Uh oh… Dead or Alive Xtreme… Knowing full well they couldn’t officially have anyone younger than 18 in the game (or else they’d look really bad, to the West at least), from that point on, characters like Kasumi and Ayane (who had been there since the first game) had their ages listed as “N/A” or “Unknown”. For reference, we know for sure that Kasumi is older than Ayane, and that Ein Hayate (their brother) is older than both of them. Hayate’s age is listed as 23 in DoA 4, so we can deduce that Kasumi’s age is actually somewhere between 22 and 20 during Dead or Alive 4. Also, if you account for the Xtreme games as years, she would in fact be 22 by Dead or Alive Xtreme 2. But then again, none of the other characters in the series age either…

“Officer, she said she was N/A.” – You

“That’s not a problem, son. Now you kids have fun!” – Tokyo PD

                Taki was 22 when Soul Blade first launched and by the time SoulCalibur IV rolled around she was listed as age 29. I know there’s a “canon” for the ending of Soul Blade and SoulCalibur, but for the reasons stated above, we should probably just ignore age completely…

Stats:

Name: Kasumi

Nickname: “A Kunoichi’s Destiny”

Physical Features

            Eye Color: Dark Brown

            Hair Color: Copper

            Height: 5’2”

            Weight: 106 lbs

            Bust Size: 35”

            Blood Type: A

Information

            Age: 17*

            Birthday: February 23

Country of Origin: Japan
Occupation: Exiled Kunoichi, Nukenin

Fighting Style: Mugen Tenshin Ninjutsu (Tenjin Mon Style)

Fun Facts

Favorite Food: Strawberry Mille-feuille, Iced Café au Lait

            Favorite Color: Milky Pink

            Hobbies: Fortune Telling

            What Lies in Her Soul: Compassion

            Dead or Alive Series Titles Appeared in: 7 (+1 DoA5)

            Side Effect of Hearing Kasumi’s Voice: Diabetes

4^th Wall information

Debut: Dead or Alive

Voice Actress: Kari Wahlgren

Name: Taki

Nickname: “Shadow Huntress of Demons”

Physical Features

            Eye Color: Dark Purple

            Hair Color: Black

            Height: 5’7”

            Weight: 117 lbs

            Bust Size: 35.4”

            Blood Type: A

Information

            Age: 29

            Birthday: Unknown

Country of Origin: Japan
Occupation: Demon Slayer

Fighting Style: Musho-Battoh-Ryu

Fun Facts

            Favorite Food: Sake

            Favorite Color: Crimson Red, Navy Blue

            Hobbies: Pushing the limits of spandex

            What Lies in Her Soul: Honor

                Soul Series Titles Appeared in: 7 (+1 SCV)

            NATO Reporting Name: Delta-Delta

4^th Wall information

Debut: Soul Edge

Voice Actress: Cynthia Holloway

The Details:

Name: Kasumi

Role: Well Endowed Ninja Poster Girl

What her personality is like:

                Just like most video game lead femme fatales, Kasumi only dresses like she’s a part of an escort service. We’re led to believe that deep down she has an innocent heart of gold. I’d say this is true.

All signs suggest that Kasumi is just a sweet young girl who is in over her head (with a clan of ninjas trying to kill her). Nothing from her actions in the Dead or Alive series lead me to believe otherwise. Kasumi certainly seems like the idealistic “girl-next-door”; kind, shy and sickeningly sweet at times.

                I couldn’t imagine her being disagreeable with almost any honest personality. It’s a safe bet you’ll get along with her.

                Her emotional stability:

Kasumi has an incredible devotion to her brother Hayate, despite him being head of the ninja clan trying to kill her. This is very bad news for you. The sudden death and destruction brought into her life by her former ninja co-workers can’t be good for Kasumi’s mental health.

She doesn’t talk too much and hasn’t had a friend to vent to for years. In many ways it makes you want to just give Kasumi a hug and say that “everything’s going to be OK” and be the shoulder for her to cry on. I’d be worried, though; she could very well be an emotional time-bomb waiting to explode. Good luck dealing with that when ninjas are involved, Dr. Phil.

What a date with her might look like:

                You’re dressed nicely and waiting patiently at a quite table for two in the slightly swanky local restaurant of your home town. You look across and gently wave to Kasumi, your date, who has just arrived wearing a feminine, tight-fitting, pink dress. You smile gleefully as she slowly approaches your table. You think to yourself about how adorable she looks as she nervously scans the room from corner to corner. “She’s never been on a date before?” you question.

                Kasumi sits down gracefully in the chair across from you and at this point, the only thing enabling you to resist gazing down her perfectly crafted neckline is the fact that you’re lost in her big beautiful brown eyes. She greets you with a nervous smile.

                The waiter approaches and politely asks if you’d like to order something to drink or one of their many fine appetizers. You are barely able to break your trance and look down at the menu on the table in front of you. “Yeah, I’d like to order…”
                BAM! While you weren’t looking, the waiter, who was actually a Mugen Tenshin Clan ninja in disguise, pulled a knife on Kasumi. Luckily she was quick to react and has already kicked the would-be assassin through the table next to yours (at least yours won’t be the only date ruined tonight).

                Is it over? Nope. All hell breaks loose when ninjas start attacking from all directions. Kasumi begins running up the walls and ninjutsu-ing the crap out of every attacker. Her dress ripping in a sexy but very T for teen way is your only consolation as she back-flips out the restaurant’s massive glass window and makes a run for it. Regardless, more swarms of angry ninja assassins chase her.

Yes, you’ve just been cock-blocked by a clan of pissed off ninjas. Even if you somehow manage to survive that night without getting a limb or two hacked off by a stray katana, expect to be dating in secret from now on, which seriously limits your options.

If you only wanted a one-night stand:

                If Kasumi liked you enough to give in to such a self-centered request, you’d be lucky. As shown previously, she’s very good at escaping all kinds of situations.

It’s important to remember -- Kasumi only dresses like a high-price stripper. Also, in all fairness, she needs to dress like that in order to ensure she has the flexibility to do all those high kicks and rolls. At least, that’s what I tell people when I have her dress in her Dead or Alive Xtreme outfits while playing DoA Ultimate 2.

What her demands in the bedroom might be:

Kasumi is a sweet and soft girl who probably wouldn’t demand much or tell you what she expects from you. You would owe it to her to love her tenderly and cuddle afterwards.

I suppose on the plus side, Kasumi is known to run away from things so you’re likely to get lucky and find that she’s already disappeared up the chimney or something when you wake up in the morning.

She would also probably cry… Look, I just call ‘em as I see ‘em…

               

Consequences of breaking her heart:

For one thing, every other guy out there would hate you for hurting her like the self centered douche bag you probably are. Still, more immediately threatening to your wellbeing would be ninjas like her brother, Hayate, or her sworn protector, Ryu Hyabusa. They likely wouldn’t be too happy with your mistreatment of their delicate Kasumi and unfortunately for you, they tend to remedy disagreements by killing people.

 If that’s somehow against “ninja-code,” I’m sure they’ll find a way to make lobbing your schlong off with one of their various bladed weapons “ninja-legal.” (They’re more like guidelines anyway…)

If you wanted a lasting relationship with her:

                Kasumi has proven to be very loyal to the ones she loves, even if that means kicking their asses to save their lives. It would be extremely unlikely to get her to agree to a long-term relationship of any sort, considering she’s a ninja on the run. Though, if you did, prepare to live a life of desperate struggle.

                It won’t be long until there’s a price on your head too. If you’ve developed the kind of loyalty and love for her that is required to keep a relationship like that going, I hope you’ve got the kung-fu skills to match.

                I also forgot to mention that DOATEC, the evil super corporation from the series, is trying to kill or capture Kasumi too. But I’d still rather deal with them than ninjas…

                Her maintenance:

Kasumi’s a simple girl but it should be kept in mind that she is a princess, after all. She’s proven to be able to live a hard life on her own and certainly wasn’t devoted to the royal lifestyle enough to go out of her way not to get exiled. It doesn’t seem like it will take much to keep her happy. Not getting killed seems to be enough for now.

                Relationship stability:

Kasumi has the tendency to run away from tough situations, especially those where she feels loved ones could get hurt. Yes gentlemen, she’s “that girl”. Kasumi will push you away for your own protection and beat the living crap out of you if you attempt to follow her. It’s for your own good, but you’re not likely to be happy when this inevitably happens.

                Job:

You’re going to need to quit your career in whatever-it-is you’re doing and follow her around the world as she flees the clutches of the ninjas trying to end her. Don’t expect to be making much money as you work secretly for pennies in whatever-it-is foreign country you’ll be hiding in.

Introducing her to your family:

                Your family will likely be impressed with the kind nature and sweet femininity of Kasumi. They will also be impressed and terrified by her martial arts skills when Kasumi defends herself against another hoard of ninja assassins who bust though the newly renovated dining room walls of your parents’ house.

                “OK, it was nice meeting you… Sorry about the mess… Bye!” - Kasumi

Meeting her family:

                You’re most likely to meet Kasumi’s family members in battle, probably as they cut your heart out with a tanto blade from out of nowhere.

“Suddenly, ninjas!” – Your last one-liner.

But let’s assume you actually got to be introduced to the whole family on less deadly terms.

Hayate, her brother, is likely to be indifferent towards you, possibly thanking you for directing Kasumi’s strange obsessive affection for him elsewhere.

Ayane, Kasumi’s half-sister/cousin, will probably hate you but secretly be jealous of your relationship with Kasumi. Don’t mistake this for actual desire that will somehow increase your chances of a double-ninja three-way or anything like that. Ayane won’t want to see “the princess” she so stubbornly despises happy. You may likely become the victim of an unfortunate “accident” involving one or two swords “accidentally” finding themselves lodged through your skull.

“He slipped, I swear! Why doesn’t anyone ever believe me!? You’d believe HER!” – Ayane

At least you won’t be around for that argument…

As for Kasumi’s parents, Shiden and Ayame, unless you’re of royal ninja decent, they’re likely to laugh when you awkwardly tell them that you’re dating their daughter over a bowl of traditional Japanese rice. At that point, Shiden will probably carefully choose one of the various dinner utensils before him, then promptly shove it into your eye socket.
               

What your friends might think of her:

                Your friends are all probably going to love her… Really love her… A lot… So get used to it…

                “Your friends invited us to go swimming again; they must really like the beach.” - Kasumi

                Then again, they might stop inviting you to places because of the occasional fun-ruining ninja brawls that break out.

                “On second thought, let’s go to YOUR apartment…” – Your Best Friend

Satisfaction of winning her affection:

                You’ve got to feel great about landing such an interesting and awesome romance. That’s got to be gratifying. Being with Kasumi is a dream come true, however short-lived it is. I emphasize the “lived” part…

Name: Taki

Role: Well Endowed Ninja Poster Girl

What her personality is like:

                Taki is a straight shooter. Both her actions throughout the games she’s appeared in and examples of her general attitude prove this. She normally strikes the perfect balance between being a bad-ass and being kind-hearted. Always looking to do the right thing and rarely confused or self-doubting, Taki is a frank and flexible example of what a female Jack Bauer (24 Season 1) would look like. She’s not afraid to kick some ass and is willing to put her perfect silk-hugged one on the line in order to do the right thing.

Her emotional stability:

Taki is a strong woman; in physical strength, emotional strength and willpower. She does not smile often, but that’s probably because she doesn’t have all that much to smile about (unless she looks in the mirror). Every day it’s either slaying demons or tracking down Soul Edge. With no family to return home to, there can’t be much on her mind past her mission. I’m sure over time this would take a toll on anyone. But if any character is an example of a girl that is tough as nails emotionally, it’s Taki.

What a date with her might look like:

                You cling on for dear life as you slowly ascend the side of a secret mountain buried deep in the wilderness of Northern Japan. Your hands tremble as you cling tightly from icy rock to icy rock, wishing you had paid more attention to the finer details of Uncharted’s gameplay. After struggling for hours, you finally make it to the top of the vertical slope where you find an ancient stone pagoda marked in medieval-aged text. You’ve made it on time, but just barely.

                The view of the frosty surroundings is spectacular but you don’t have time to take in the infinitely rendering scenery. Instead, you unload your heavy backpack with the picnic supplies you brought in hopes of a calm and romantic evening in the mountains with your date. Just as you finish unrolling the seating blanket, she arrives.

                A small cloud of dust is kicked up as Taki gracefully lands crouched behind you. She looks up at you; you’re having trouble breathing because of the altitude and are a sweaty panting mess as you attempt to turn around to greet her.

Taki’s skin-tight ninja get-up doesn’t match your thick winter jacket and snow-pants. Luckily, Taki is not judgmental, and your mountaintop dinner date goes along as scheduled.

After talking for a few hours you feel you’re really getting to know Taki and are fascinated and excited by the interesting stories she tells about her life as a demon slayer. She even doesn’t mind your eyes slipping below her chin occasionally because she’s used to that happening with guys by this point. (800 lbs gorillas and elephants have nothing on a girl built like Taki.)

As the date goes on, you’ve even gotten Taki to smile and feel that everything is going surprisingly smoothly. This builds you up enough confidence to ask her about a second one. She agrees.

“Same time tomorrow?” – Taki

You nod unthinkingly just as Taki disappears in a cloud of smoke. You hear her graceful footsteps pattering rapidly off the rocks as they quietly fade in to echo.

“S**t…” – You

You look around; it’s certainly not improbable that you’ll be able to camp out for the night and just wait for Taki until tomorrow. You might die of hypothermia, but for a second date with Taki, you’ll risk it.

Then you remember... You’re the one who has to bring the food. You check your watch; you now have less than 20 hours until you’re expected to meet-up with Taki again…

If you only wanted a one-night stand:

                Lots of guys out there would hope that Taki would be open to a NSP (just search youtube) involving you and some incredible gymnastics on her part. Taki’s been chasing Soul Edge for a while now and she probably gets lonely at times. I’m not saying it would be easy to seal the deal, but it’s certainly not improbable that she seeks out some satisfaction every once in a while. Ninjas have needs too, but Taki can be as fickle as she wants when selecting a lucky SOB to knock tabi boots with.

What her demands in the bedroom might be:

Because of how flexible and strong Taki is, there’s nothing she can’t do for you. But what that also means is that she’s well within her right to demand any position or thing she could imagine from her partner. You’d better be ready to put out a Tier One performance or else she may become bored and leave you for Dante from Devil May Cry.

“I fight demons for a living. You really expect me to be on the bottom every time?” – Taki

On the plus side, if you survive the acrobatic love-making session, you’d be hard pressed to find a softer lady to cuddle up with. That is… If you can catch her.

                Consequences of breaking her heart:

Taki has a strong enough moral compass to not kill you for breaking her heart, but that doesn’t mean she has to prioritize rescuing you the next time a demon tries to snack on your soul.

If you went out of your way to somehow win the love of such a tough and beautiful woman like Taki, and managed to screw it up, I really don’t have any words for you.

Oh yes I do, “selfish chode-headed stupidity pirate.”

If you wanted a lasting relationship with her:

                At some point Taki’s going to have to settle down in a dojo or something so a lasting relationship with her is more probable than one might think. Winning Taki’s loyalty won’t be easy, but it’s got to be worth it, assuming you can keep up with the wild fornication.

               

Her maintenance:

Taki is an orphan raised by ninjas. She doesn’t expect a lavish lifestyle and will probably be content with whatever it is you provide her.
                Expect your biggest expenses to be on silk outfits and spandex underwear. Those things tend to break under the stresses of mortal combat.

You might also want to get her a gift card to Victoria’s Secret. She needs to strap those things in on occasion or they’ll be below her knees by 60.

Taki also doesn’t have a birthday to remember, so that makes things a little easier.

                Relationship stability:

Taki is about as loyal as it gets when it comes to justice and I wouldn’t expect love to be in question either. Assuming she isn’t killed doing her job (which she’s very good at, mind you), expect a stable and long lasting relationship.

                Job:

                                “My wife is a demon slaying ninja.” – You

Seems like a pitch for a Disney Channel Original Movie, but it could be your life. And it sounds awesome. You might want to find a more interesting career for yourself than accounting or working at Sears. You’ve got to pull your own weight too. Treasure Hunter or Navy SEAL might be a good start.

Introducing her to your family:

As mentioned before, Taki was an orphan and she’s sure to love being introducing to a warm and loving family. Mom and Dad are sure to be impressed by her stunning looks and kind yet self-confident personality. But they will be somewhat worried about the whole “demon slayer” thing you forgot to mention in the last email you sent them. With time, any agreeable family would likely come to love Taki.
            “Eyes up here, little bro…” – You

“Eyes up here, big bro…” – You

“Eyes up here, Grandpa…” – You

“Eyes up here, Aunt Kiki…” – You

Meeting her family:

                No family to meet. The only peer friend she’s ever been mentioned haveing is Sophitia Alexandra, and only for a brief period.

                Assuming you’ll encounter Sophitia at some point while traveling with Taki, this time, you’ll be the one suggesting the group of you should go swimming.

What your friends might think of her:

                Your friends are going to love Taki -- every part of her. You can also watch in pleasure as old exes’ faces twist in pain and shock when they see you with such a knock-out.

                “They’re fake.” – Your Ex-Girlfriend

                “It doesn’t matter to me that you think that. Because I can feel the truth…” - You

Satisfaction of winning her affection:

                You did it. You win at life. You have a smoking hot ninja girlfriend; one who’s loyal, kind and strong. Taki may not be every guy’s dream girl, but that won’t matter to you. How could it? What else could you possibly do in your life that would conquer that achievement?

I guess you could aspire to be the first man on Mars, or the doctor who cures Cancer. But admit it, high above the atmosphere, way off in space, or during one of those long nights in the research lab where you patiently wait for the latest cure test results, you’ll be thinking of her.

                And her spectacular jumblies.

Responses:

Cameraman Max

One Night Stand Choice: Taki

                It would be like making love to Jack Bauer, only not gay. How could I turn that down? (Then again… Things didn’t work out too well for Teri, Nina, Audrey or even Renee for that matter…)

Lasting Relationship Choice: Kasumi

                It’s not that there’s anything wrong with Taki. It’s just that… There’s nothing really wrong with Taki. What possible role could I play in her life? Being in-love with her would be like adding a spoiler to a BMW M5. It’s just not right. You’re not needed. You shouldn’t be there and you’re just weighing her down. I don’t want to be that guy.

                Kasumi on the other hand, she clearly has needs. Sure it will be rough for a while, but she’ll eventually defeat DOATEC and square things with her ninja clan. After that, she’s gonna need a friend, and as stated before, a shoulder to cry on. That’s actually a practical role for me to fill. I can’t keep up with all of Taki’s extra-ninja BS. Screw climbing a mountain and twisting in ridiculous positions. If I wanted to do that I would just ask Kasumi, or compete in Ninja Warrior. There’s not much chance of humiliating yourself like that with Kasumi.

D. Carmine

One Night Stand Choice: Kasumi

                I don’t want to be the only one crying if I can avoid it.

Lasting Relationship Choice: Taki

                All that pushing you away, “I love you but we can’t be together” crap would drive me insane. If Kasumi is going to be like that, what’s the difference between her and half the other girls out there? She’s a ninja?  Pul-eease. If I’ve got to choose between a ninja who acts like that and a ninja whose main point of relationship “stress” is passionate love-making, it’s not really a question of which I would choose but why I would ever choose the other. OK, OK, I’ll have to hit the gym more often, but if that’s the price I pay for having a loyal, no-BS relationship with a smoking-hot ninja like Taki, sign me up.